Empitness

 A year ago I found myself tearing up over every last. My baby, my son, was in his senior year of high school. Football season was wrapping up. Senior night had taken place. I cried. I was so happy to live in those moments one last time. However, the overwhelming emotion I felt was perceived emptiness.

"All I ever wanted to be was a mother!" I sobbed to my husband. His reply: "You still are" but having been through these lasts with my daughter during her senior year 7 years prior I knew my world was shifting in a way that would forever change us. 

Little did I know that a pandemic was looming. It gave me extra time with my boy. It also has taken so much from us. His senior year did not get to end the way one hopes and dreams it will. He did not get a lacrosse season, he did not get a prom or traditional graduation. He didn't get to say goodbye to teachers and classmates. We know in the grand scheme of things those losses are minor compared to the over 270, 000 lives lost to the pandemic. 

My husband and I have found a new rhythm in our daily lives with no kids here full time. The house is quiet but my children seem happy. 

Today I found myself tearing up over completely different circumstances. I am so disappointed in where our country stands right now. It is the day after the most important in modern history and the country is more divided than ever. It has me feeling a strange mixture of emptiness and emboldened. I can not believe the number of people in this country and people in my life willing and knowingly voted for a man who does not care about anyone. I am emboldened to find a way to be more involved. Watching the results last night of career politicians like McConnell and Graham win again after being openly hostile and hypocritical was soul-crushing. Where does the legislation stand on proposed term limits? I am not sure and I am not sure how I can be impactful but I am feeling called to action.

As mommas did we not feel pulled this spring at the cries of George Floyd? As mommas did we not feel pulled this fall when we learned parents of 545 children cannot be found? As mommas do we not want more about for our daughters than the likes of Amy Coney Barret? As mommas do we not want all humans to be worthy of life, not just the unborn? 

I am feeling empty but I hope it is just making room for a fire that is growing in my belly.